stop counterculturalism now

A map of my route is printed and I periodically grab it and estimate when to turn, when to merge, when to get on the highway. The New York snow falls around me. It is going to be a busy and important day. The snow is my single concern. I recall briefly a program on the Discovery Channel regarding snow and the basis for how environmentals can be sure that all snowflakes are unique. The computer map is helpful and I am fairly certain that I am heading in the right direction. I am fairly certain I will get to my interview on time. I am in love with the snow and am certainly unsure why I am so peaceful while still so certain that I will barely make it --- I think I may actually be late. But, (deep breath), I have snow. I have these snowflakes. I am in favor of each one.

I get out of the car, the impertinent wind opens the tiny blisters on my lips and turns them the color of the snow. I am still content. The interview progresses and the professionals ask me questions, and I in turn ask questions of each of them. We are all wearing nice shoes. We are all smiling. It is good that we are all meeting, it is agreed. I feel more respect flowing from this spicket than I could have imagined, and this image opens a small crack in my mind that allows me to metabolize certain other events in my life with more emotional clarity. These snowy professionals are not angels, they are merely normal people. They care about their job and they care about their peers. They are good people. They smile at me, I smile at them; there is collegial agreement. The work we do is important and we can all be proud.

Driving again, in the snow, with the defrosters on. I need to sleep, badly. I stop to eat. I eat alone, but I do not feel very alone. Truth, as much as it is really truth, must be told. Austin has been a bitch of a lover. This is true and the implications fly at me. Austin is Fickle. Demanding. Exhausting. Inexcuseable. You've hurt me, more than I admitted, and much much more than was necessary. You sorry bastard. I have come to admire the emotionally honest and the empathic and the brave because you have not been any of these things to me. I know you do not understand and will never feel ashamed. You are a bright, colorful city full of adventure and charisma but you have obscured the light of my life. I know that I was naive. And I know that I made mistakes. You should know that you were unkind.

The snow is still falling and I am now closer to the powder than before. I reach out one hand and remove my glove. It is cold and shadowy and I am alone. The silence of the air is pleasant. I take another deep breath and release it into nature. I am pleased even with the clouds in the sky and this surprises me. The snow crunches under my feet and I smile. Where else do I want to go today?